When I tucked him in to bed, I kissed his cheek til he giggled. I told him, “I love you, Makeny!” He doesn’t usually I initiate speech so I said, “Can you say, I love you, mama?” Makeny mouthed what I think was … I love you with no audible sound but then finished with a very clear and audible, “Mommy!” He had a big smile! I then touched my fingers to my lips and blew him a kiss. Makeny surprised me and did the same with a huge smile!!! I almost cried right there!!
😍🥰😘 We have had a lot of tough moments the last few weeks but tonight made everything so much better! I really needed that genuine display of affection from Makeny! I didn’t realize how much until that moment! I wish I could freeze it in my brain so I could relive it whenever I need it!!
I had not taken good care of myself for quite awhile. My family and work came before my own well being. I was exhausted and grumpy. Mostly I was not healthy. I had high cholesterol and was very overweight.
Coolidge Park, Fitchburg, MA
A little over six months ago is when I decided to change this behavior. The pandemic helped me to say no more. I made the decision to put myself first even if only for a short time each day. I began exercising and trying to eat foods that are more healthy. Not only did I do that but I began to engage in healthier activities with my kids too. For the first time I noticed that I had a bit more energy and I liked it!
Doyle Reservation, Leominster, MA
Now I’m not going to say I have lost an astronomical amount of weight. I’m not going to say that I stopped eating all carbs like pizza and ice cream. There is no magic diet or exercise routine that I follow.
Coggshall Park, Fitchburg, MA
What I am going to say is … I feel better after working out by either walking or doing exercise videos I found on YouTube. I have lost a little weight. Better yet, my cholesterol is down by half due to regular exercise and help from some medication. I feel as though I can manage stress and anxiety better as well.
Mirror Lake, Devens, MA
My new path has helped me feel better and appreciate nature. It has led me to enjoy the simple things in life and to have more fun with my children. I plan to continue my journey and live a healthier lifestyle!
The sight of Ruehl playing with little stuffed animals, pretending they are alive. Watching her pretend they drive a car or live in the “Bluey” house. Listening to her as she uses her imagination to have the stuffies talk to one another. Seeing the excitement on her face after she uses scissors, tape and old rags to create outfits. This innocence is hopeful and pure! My heart soars!
Finally hearing Makeny speak with purpose. “Milk,” he requests in his forceful little voice. His simple demands bringing a smile to my face. “Popsicle” or “yogurt,” he asks with a grin that reveals his missing top two front teeth. Knowing that this simple communication is helping him to be more independent and encouraging more language is the most beautiful thing! The years of wishing I could hear his voice and now in a way expressing or communicating in a functional way … it’s difficult to express the happiness I feel inside!
Ruehl sharing with me conversations she has with her friends … so important. I hope she will always feel comfortable talking to me. Listening to her dreams and encouraging her to be whatever she would like … Baker, chef, artist or actress. Being there to see her eyes shine when she received a post card from her teacher addressed to “Secret Agent Ruehl” and then helping her brainstorm a new spy name … it’s priceless!
Dancing and singing “Super Simple” and “Koo Koo Kangaroo” songs with Makeny and watching his face light up and giggles pouring out of his little body is just too wonderful to explain. Music has just helped him blossom and become present with us. His imitation and play skills have grown so much! He has sweet dance moves too!
While the pandemic has been difficult … monetarily and emotionally and technically (school work at home by computer yuck) … I have grown much closer to my children! I know them … really know them. I won’t pretend it’s all rainbows and butterflies but we have found a way to feel the sunshine and “be present together!” We hug more and dance more. We try to be silly more and have more fun. My family and I have spent more time getting to know each other. I believe that though we know the world is scary sometimes, together we have found we are resilient.
It is ok to use your imagination, to sing, dance and be silly! It is ok to play with your children. It’s ok to ignore the dishes and house work to create some crafts or read with your kids! We all only have one life to live. My realization over this pandemic is that doing and experiencing with my kids is the best way to live life! Not only are my kids thriving because of this but so am I!
Yesterday was a historic day! I am so happy and proud of my country and what was accomplished!
Not only was I able to see Kamala Harris take the oath as the first ever female Vice President of the United States but I experienced it with my mother and, more importantly, with my daughter!
My brilliant and creative daughter who can be shy and hard on herself witnessed history in the making! She saw a strong woman of color become the Vice President! She now knows that she can achieve the same and/or more!
My mother, daughter and I watched the ceremony together wearing pearls that were my maternal grandmother’s. We watched in solidarity, with hope for a brighter and more equal future for women and people of color. My mother and I had tears in our eyes while we tried to impart on my 8 year old the importance of what we were all observing.
Pearls of solidarity with my mom
What a monumental experience for my daughter! Though she may not understand the significance now, I hope she will at a later time. I pray she has sentimental feelings regarding the moment and it ignites a fire within her!
Pearls of possibility and strength with my daughter
Another shining star emerged from this momentous day … an educated, talented black woman that I hope my daughter looks up to! Amanda Gorman blew my mind and I look forward to the day, she blows Ruehl’s mind too! Her poem, “The Hill We Climb” gave me chills.
I first saw this young woman recite on July 4th, 2019 with the Boston Pops! I knew she would do great things and she has! She wrote and performed her poem entitled, “Believers Hymn For the Republic.”
Kamala Harris and Amanda Gorman are just two inspirational role models for my daughter to study and learn from. There are many more that I will share with her and many I hope she shares with me! My heart is full today!
High pitched shrill screams that go right through you. Little hands grabbing at you not knowing their strength. Surely there will be a bruise on your arm in the morning. Flailing arms and legs as your small one jumps at you in the midst of a scream with fresh tears shed by the both of you. An unexpected head butting: your little ones head impacting your teeth. Physical pain and anguish grow.
Speaking calmly does not work. Trying to give some gentles squeezes to your child’s arms and legs for positive calming sensory input. No luck. Trying to hug your child and tell him you love him is like screaming silently in your head with no one hearing. You try not to cry again.
You watch helplessly as your heart throws himself on the floor where you hope are only soft stuffed animals. He howls. He screams. He cries.
All of a sudden silence. His legs and arms slow to a halt. He wipes his eyes and runny nose. You sit quietly, watching and waiting; afraid to say or do anything to upset him again.
He sits up and looks at you, that handsome little face! He stands up looking unsure. You hold your arms out to welcome him. He comes to you and quietly, slowly climbs into your lap. He lays his head on your shoulder and puts his arms Round you as you do the same to him. You hug and cuddle for awhile. He murmurs, “mum mum.”
Before you realize it, he has drifted off to dreamland. You hold him and wish for him to have calm restful dreams. You feel his heart beating. His little body seems so peaceful now. You carry him to bed after one last kiss on his cheek or nose or both.
After a fabulous day in the sun and pool with my family … my heart was happy. Then it kinda turned. I pointed out how the sun made lines on my six year old daughters beautiful dark skin from her bathing suit. Then she noticed how much lighter her skin was on her belly compared to her legs. My absolutely gorgeous mixed race child started balling. When I asked her what was wrong, she replied, “I don’t want to be darker over the summer!” I asked her why and told her she is beautiful in every way! She told me, ” I don’t like darker skin”.
My heart broke and crumbled into a thousand pieces. Everything is beautiful about this child from her skin to her mind to her imagination to her smile. I felt ill equipped to handle this as a pale freckled some what skin burned mom. I told her I love every part of her all the time. I told her she is beautiful and strong!
Hours later I’m still crying inside! My hope is that she will see that her outer beauty is as lovely as her inner beauty! I hope she is able to see what I do… a beautiful, brilliant, creative, crafty, friendly, fabulous, lovely, lovable, hip hoppy, smart, strong, sensitive, sweet and swimming girl!
When either of my children is cuddled up beside me, sleeping peacefully with a small snore; my heart swells to almost bursting! This reminds me why I became a mom and how much love I have for each of them! I reflect and allow myself to feel. I watch them and think how lucky I am. I whisper how much I love them. I whisper unheard apologies for all the little things I think I failed to do or say as their mom. I snuggle and kiss their noses. I make silent wishes for their futures. I hope I’m not too hard on them but just hard enough. I hope I am doing right by them.
I worry. What can I do better or differently? I just hope they know that I’m doing my best! I love them both more than anything!
It’s always amazing to me how no one wants to hear about the bad days or the tough times. At the same time, many don’t want to hear about the good either. I write because it helps me feel better and I find it to be cathartic! If on the off chance that someone reads my writing and feels better or less alone … that’s a bonus.
There is amazing joy with both my daughter and autistic son. There is also sadness and fear. Joy when our family is together experiencing life and fun. Sadness and fear when my daughter is upset because her brother is having a meltdown and I can’t seem to fix it or help it.
It’s wonderful and indescribably full of love and hugs. It’s difficult and indescribably frustrating when my child, one of my hearts can’t sort through the sensory output around him to express calmly how he feels or what he needs.
It’s easy to be lost in the sadness and fear. Sadness over feeling lost, without any control and powerless. Fear of meltdowns and being hurt again and again.
No matter how many triumphs and great mommy things I do, there seems to be double that in failures. Today was a losing day. A feeling like a bad mom today. A crying day.
I won’t give up on either child, myself, my spouse or our family! I will continue to share love and will try to be patient!
That is what I have to remember! Today was tough but tomorrow is full of possibility!
Love, Family, Kids & ❤️ 